What do Worms Think About?

In my Master Composter class, I've been learning about vermicomposting, which is the practice of using worms to compost kitchen scraps. Certain kinds of earthworms can live in a small bin and can eat half their weight in kitchen scraps a day. A pound of worms can eat up to a half pound of kitchen waste each day. They produce a very rich, nutrient-packed compost that is great for plants.

These are the kinds of worms that would ordinarily be found in nature living under piles of cow poop, or in deep layers of fallen leaves --- they need a very rich organic environment. They live for about one year in the wild, or maybe as many as four years in a bin. They have both male and female sex organs, so they can reproduce sexually or asexually. And according to one of my class instructors, they have a brain.

A brain! So what do worms think about? My guess is that that they are fairly introspective and spend a lot of time in self-examination --- worms are their own harshest critics.

"Man, I am pathetic! I'm nearly a year old, and I'm still living in the same bin where I hatched! I'm going nowhere! I've got to get out of this place. Just look at me. I eat nothing but garbage and spend most of my time reproducing asexually. There's got to be more to life than this!"

I feel like reassuring him, "Awwwwww, little worm! You do very important work! You process half your own weight in kitchen waste each day, keeping it out of the landfill and turning something worthless into valuable fertilizer for plants! You help to save our natural resources. And you should be happy with your bin! If you were in the wild, you would probably be living in a cow pie, eating crap for lunch instead of nice delicious banana peals and gourmet coffee grounds. And don't be in such a rush, worm! They say the early bird gets the worm, so what's the point in being the early worm? And, yeah, you do spend a lot of time reproducing asexually, but you've got both sets of sexual organs, so why the hell not? You're being too hard on yourself, worm!"

I hope he feels better about himself.